This is Your Home Now

This day last year, we rented a U-Haul, packed up all my stuff, and unloaded into a 3-bedroom apartment off of GA-400's exit 6.

I lived by myself for a few weeks waiting for one roommate to move in, and then it was the two of us, and now there's three of us here sharing life together and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Currently, I'm here by myself. So it's a perfect time for reflection.

Home has been somewhat of a lost and uncertain thing for me since I was 16.

The home I knew for 16 years became a haunted memory. It wasn't complete without my mom. Then it was empty.

Family friends were gracious enough to let me live with them while I finished high school.  I had a hugely messy room, with lots of stuff I was holding onto. But I had an extra bed in there for sleepovers.

Then college happened where a tiny room I shared with a person was a temporary living space. And it changed every school year.

Then I moved into my brother's basement for summer and Christmas breaks and then for a 8 month period. I had curtains for walls and got to wake up to the sound of little feet pattering on the floor. Or Bailey barking at the cul-de-sac kids playing basektball.

I am extremely thankful for the people that took care of me in a time when I needed it.

And the idea of not having a home was not on their shoulders, they provided what they physically could. But no one can give you a feeling you're missing, no matter how much they try.

When I was in trauma counseling, we went through everything that we lost because of our trauma. I lost my mom, obviously. But I lost innocence and security and home and my original idea of family and and and and.... the list goes on.

You've seen me go through that emotional labor of healing on my other blog. And I said this was a different blog for a different time and a different story.

My idea of home being a place with walls and doors and lots of stuff in it has drastically changed.

I LOVE this little raggedy apartment. I don't have vaulted ceilings or stainless steel appliances or real hardwood floors or whatever everyone else says that I need to have in an apartment. (Literally my goal was to have a better apartment than Peter Parker in Spider-Man 2, yeah the Tobey Maguire one. I succeeded).

What I do have is a space that is mine. And I share it with people I love spending time with.  And I'm 15 miles from work. And 8 miles from my family. This space is perfectly mine.

But this space is still not my home.

It has taken FOREVERRRRRRR but for the first time, in maybe ever, my home is inside of my chest.

It's in this apartment with my roommates watching Christmas Rom Coms and eating cookies.

It's on a rock by the Chattahoochee river with my hiking boots on.

It's in the coffee shop down the street with a cup of peppermint tea.

It's in an Air Bnb in Seattle and Florida and Nashville and wherever I go next, exploring by myself or with others.

It's in a tattoo parlor adding another piece of art.

It's in my room with a good book and a cranberry candle on the warmer (or melted into the carpet, either one).

It's in my small group leader's house on a Thursday night with my community group sitting on couches and eating snacks.

It's in Whole Foods getting food from the hot bar and roaming the aisles trying to change my life.

It's in the endocrinologist's office asking questions.

It's in my little cubicle with headphones in, versioning out the plants on print ad and getting oh so frustrated but still loving it.

It's in my brother's house chasing my nephews and making dinosaur sounds.

It's on the dance floor with my girls with drinks in our hands celebrating whatever we want to.

It's in a chair at NPCC or listening to Andy Stanley podcast in the car.

It's in Michigan, Florida, Washington, Pennsylvania, Illinois, North Carolina and wherever my friends and family may roam.

It's at a concert screaming my lungs out to my favorite songs.

My life is my home. My heart is my home. The ones I love is my home.

This little 3-bedroom apartment is my home for now, in fact I just took over my renter's insurance and renewed our lease for another six months.

But knowing that I have built a home that will last, that will most likely be broken and rebuilt again and being ok with that idea, is probably one of the greatest accomplishments of the last 7 years.

I am my home.

I am finally home.

The Art of Becoming

So, it's been a year (and a couple weeks) since the time that I decided that things were going to be different.  A year since what I like to call my "RomCom epiphany moment"

I kinda just chuckle, shake my head, and think "What. a. year.".

Let's look at a quick recap of the things that this year has held.

- I started a contractor position
- I started hiking
- I went out on my first date
- I moved into my own apartment
- My contractor job turned into a full-time job
- I quit my part time job
- I got a tattoo
- I made a solid group of work friends (that turned into real life friends)
- three friends got engaged
- two friends got married
- I started learning to cook
- I traveled to Nashville to see Parachute
- I had a dog for two months? (I count it. She's Paul's but she was kinda mine)
- I went to my first Braves game
- I saw NEEDTOBREATHE
- I started going to REI outdoor classes
- I gained a hiking buddy
- I started going back to church
- I joined a community group at church
- I went to a friend's art show
- I saw Ed Sheeran
- I went to a butterfly festival
- I saw the banana sun
- I got in a car crash (yeah... again)
- I traveled to Seattle by myself
- I got ANOTHER tattoo
- I applied and got accepted into grad school ( I start in less than a month, EEK!)
- I reconciled with a friend
- I saw Parachute .... yes, AGAIN
- I saw Jon Bellion
- I joined an online Minimalism community
- I started pursuing volunteering opportunities
- I got my car back from my car crash

And that doesn't include the day to day changes that have changed my attitude or my habits. Or the books that I've read and movies I've watched.

What a good year it has been.

None of those good things happened by accident. And that's the thing that I've been noticing the most. If I want good things, I have to be willing to put in the work.

If I want to be a person that is adventurous, I have to be a person that steps out the door and tries new things. And sometimes that includes stepping out on my own.
If I want to be someone who is knowledgeable, I need to put in the time to research, read, and listen.
If I want to be someone who is healthy, I have to drink the dang water and take my meds and eat the things I need to. And take the steps up the mountain.
If I want to be someone who is holy, I have to love Christ more and sin less.
If I want to be someone who loves the heck out of this life, it takes a lot of work. To remove things that stand in the way, which can sometimes include people and things that you love deeply. To pursue the things and people that are worth your while and will spur you on.
If I want to be any sort of anything, it's going to take some time and some effort, it's going to take a lot of time and effort.

This year has been great. I've wanted to be a lot of things. I wanted to do a lot of things. I've become (or on my way to becoming) some of those things. I've done a lot of those things. I haven't been anywhere near perfect. I've gone weeks without doing the things I wanted to do daily. I've said and done things that completely derail the person I'm trying to become. I still have so much to do and see and become.

The art of becoming something new is a lengthy process. And it is certainly an art.

I am a pottery vase. I have been molded by the hands of circumstances. I have then been shattered against the ground by clumsy hands. I have been picked up and repurposed. I have had gold mend my broken edges and cracks. I will be molded, and broken, and mended over and over again.

I am a canvas with tears and repairs. Layers of paint collected over the years to form new landscapes.

I will be molded, and broken and mended over and over again. I will be torn and repaired and painted over again and again.

But each time, the result will be something that has taken time and effort to become a work of art.

Some things will "just happen" to you. They may be great or they may shake the core of your soul. But no matter what has happened, who you become is up to you.

You can choose to give up and succumb to the circumstances. You can choose to use your hurt to hurt others. You can choose to  make your life a work of art. Life will most likely be a little bit of all three. But work at it. Becoming who you want to be is one of the greatest things you could do. Make your life a masterpiece. And don't forget, half the fun is in the journey, in the becoming itself.

Fav photo from my trip to Seattle, BTW. Just for funsies.

And Then Keep Going

3. Hike to Local Places

I like hiking, especially back in Toccoa. We had our waterfalls and gorges. It was something to do on the weekends with all my friends, even though we were all always broke. It allowed us to explore and make Toccoa ours. It allowed us to have hilarious stories and quality time where we talked about God and our fears and what makes our hearts scream for joy. 

I have fond memories of hiking up to Little Falls and losing my glasses by falling in the water with my whole friend group freshman year. I have fond memories of hiking Rabun Bald before I graduated with one of my first friends. I have fond memories of hiking Ricketts Glen on trips back to PA where we got lost in the rain with my group of girls. 

Now I'm out of college, and my trips to PA will be less frequent, and my college friends have all gone their separate ways, and my local friends all work on different schedules. So, it's just me out here, yearning to explore and wander over the mountains and rivers that I have yet to discover. 

I'm also a scaredy cat. I hate doing things on my own. The woods are often sites for horror movies. I'm the clumsiest person I know, I trip over my own two feet on flat ground. I have no sense of direction. I worry about the combination of these things as I attempt to hike solo.

But I am determined. I bought the Complete Idiot's Guide to Backpacking and Hiking, because I apparently can't just do things without researching. I started looking up local places. The best places to start day hiking and then hopefully building up to longer overnight hikes

My first solo hike was at Vickery Creek. While hiking 6.34 miles, I discovered the old mill remains and found a rock by the river to read on. The next hike was to the summit of Indian Seats. Once again, I found the perfect reading rock. My third hike was on Jones Bridge Trail, and I think it was my favorite. I found an old bridge that's been stripped down to just a frame. There's a deck that goes out over the Chattahoochee river with a single bench on it, and you guessed it, it's perfect for reading.

As dorky as this may be, I kinda started creating "lessons" from each of my hikes.

For Vickery Creek, my lesson was "be brave enough to start". I was alone, in the woods, in a place that I have never gone, doing an activity I've only done in groups and in familiar places. So, I put my headphones in, got out my trail map, and started hiking. Within minutes, I was on cloud nine. I was proud of myself for choosing to go. I was in awe of the foliage and the old mill. Each step was exhilarating because, in a thousand years, I never thought I would be adventurous on my own. But here I was, starting to do something that I never thought I would be.

For Indian Seats, my lesson was "get up and go again". It's one thing to begin something new, it's another thing to continue going in the direction of a goal. To get up even though part of you is already tired and already proud because you completed something.

For Jones Bridge, my lesson was "and then keep going". You've started, and now you need to keep going. No matter how many days or weeks go by before you go again, you get up and keep going. If it's hard, you keep going.
-------------

And I guess I really did keep going because I started this post back when I first started hiking on my own.

Two weekends ago,  I went hiking by myself and I didn't even blink. I got the map, I put my playlist on and just went to a new trail. It didn't scare me. I made the goal to hike every trail on the Chattahoochee going from south to north. Sometimes I go hiking three times in a week.  It's amazing to look back and to see who I was when I first started.

Last weekend I went hiking with a girl I met from REI classes. We talked and hiked and it was great.

I'm the go-to girl for information about trails near me. I'm going on a trip next week to Seattle and guess what, I'll be going hiking.

Hiking has brought something out of me that I didn't even know was there. It brought out the adventurous, courageous, resourceful girl. She researches and makes calculated steps. She pushes herself.  Her body itches with the urge to get up and go somewhere new. To find a new favorite place in the collection of trails. To go another mile. To explore every inch of my home and then to explore more. I have fallen in love with my body because it is strong and capable. I have fallen in love with this world. I have grown angry at those that destroy it and want to push aside the natural world for profit. My life has changed for the better because of a pair of boots, a map, and a trail.

Find something you love, be scared and start anyways, keep going, become fearless.

And then keep going.

 

Wanna Go Out Sometime?

This question scares me to no end.

You see, the thing is, I've never been on an actual first date.

There have been crushes and feelings and unclear lines,

But there have been no dates.

And long story short, after college, I got on Tinder, OKCupid, and Plenty of Fish.

I had one guy that I talked to for two months but there was no date. I had people ask me out on dates and for one reason or another, I found something very reasonable that I could say no to. I had people ask for other things without even asking for a date.

I don't know how to do this.

Literally, dating does not make any sense to me. I don't understand why I am supposed to impress someone with my hair and the way my body curves and the way that I crack jokes and what I do with my time.

But even though I don't understand that and it literally drains my soul of its energy, I know that I at least have to attempt to survive in the dating world.

So, I swipe right on Tinder. I get a match and then a message.

And we talk a little.... and then he asks the question...

Wanna go out sometime?

I panic. His bio was ok. He was kinda cute. He didn't say anything that made me want to run away in his messages. I couldn't come up with a good reason to say no. So I did what all girls do when it comes to boys, I consulted my girls.... and they all said what I was secretly hoping they wouldn't: "Marilyn, you need to go". So I hyperventilated in my bathroom for an hour and finally gave him an answer of yes.

I set rules because I still need some sort of control over this and I still barely know this guy
1, We meet in public
2. We meet there
3, No alcohol
4. No sex or "going back to someone's place"

He agreed. I was kinda nervous. Kinda excited. Super proud of myself.

He asked me out on Monday.
We snapchatted on Tuesday.
Our date was on Wednesday.

And let's just say it was the worst two hours, ever.

We had interesting conversation at some points, but to be honest, I became really invested in the World Series on the TV in the restaurant....and I can't stand baseball.

Just a quick list of why it was bad:
1. He kept booping me on the nose (even after telling him no MULTIPLE times)
2. He kept throwing straw wrappers at me
3. He casually threw out some really heavy things about his life without even addressing them
4. He picked up my drink and tried to put the straw in my mouth
5. Every other word was a curse word
6. He wore a cat shirt... the same shirt as from Snapchat the night before
7. He kept asking questions that I genuinely didn't have answers to and would say "that's bull, that's  just a cop-out"
8. He self-proclaimed himself as a gentleman and his actions were not close to that
9. He said he liked curvy girls because he feels like he's crushing skinny girls when he sleeps with them...which was definitely an awkward moment because I didn't really ask.
10. He would choose Iron Man over Captain America and that's a major deal breaker

And those are just some of the reasons why I couldn't wait to get home... but obviously, number 10 was the most important.

He asked me the next day if he was getting a second date. I kindly rejected and then he said "Why? I would be a good guy for you. I didn't even say anything sexual. Wish I knew this before I paid."

First of all, don't ever tell me what's good for me unless you're a trusted confidant. That's a very quick way for me to never speak to you again. Second, he did say weird sexual things that were unnecessary and out of place. Third, I said I didn't know if there was going to be a second date a thousand times and he still chose to pay, not my fault. And to think that I owe you anything because you paid for my food (and he ate half of it)...NO BUDDY, I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING.

But I am not mad at all that I went, or even  that it went badly.

I've said that this time is all about adventures and fun and living a life that challenges and changes me.

I said yes to something that I never did before.
I survived an unbelievably uncomfortable situation that was making my skin crawl.
I learned more about myself and what I want.
I was reminded of my self-worth because I know I deserve so much more than dates that go like this.
I was not completely turned off from future dating endeavors.

I got a ridiculous story out of this. So if nothing else, it was good for that. Here's to a future of more dates and more fun and more ridiculous stories. Ain't it fun.

Oh, It Will Be Fun

So, I talked about what started this new adventure. If you missed it, you can view it here Now, let me tell you what kind of things I want to do.

1. Take a self-defense class
    Because I just really want to know how to properly kick someone's butt if I need to.
2. Learn to cook
    Because honestly, I barely know how to boil water. I bought Cooking Basics for Dummies because     I can't afford cooking classes yet. ($15 over $70, come on, it was a no brainer)
3. Hike local places
    Because Georgia is full of beautiful places and I want to make it my home and I want to explore.
    (Like these places, Atlanta's Best Hiking Trails )
4. Hike the Grand Canyon
    Because of "How to be Single", just watch it.. you'll get it.
5. Learn to ride a bike
    Because I've always wanted to and I never learned as a kid
6. Learn Spanish
    Because it's the second most spoken language in the world.
7. Go to a wine tasting
    Because what else is the epitome of classy adulthood than going to a classy wine tasting?
8. Finish unfinished art
    Because I love to start artistic projects and then never finish them
9. Get another tattoo
   Because I'm limiting myself here... I want like 9.
10. Go skydiving
     Because what else is the epitome of  overcoming fear and living life on the edge?
11.Write and publish an Ebook
     Because it's the baby steps to publishing a real life book.
12. Learn calligraphy
     Because HAVE YOU SEEN ETSY?!
13. Go to Comic Con
    ...... Because, obviously, I'm a nerd.
14.Watch IMDb's top 250 movies
     Because culture, man.
15. Read, A LOT
     Because I own over 200 books and have barely made a dent in reading them.
16. Visit a lighthouse
      Honestly, this one is in memory of my mom.
17. Travel internationally alone
     Because I want to explore by myself.
18. Write letters to my future self
     I honestly don't know why I want to do this... I just saw it on a suggested list and figured I'd try          it.
19. Start taking art classes again
     Because I love art and I miss it and I work in an arts and crafts store, I need to put that to good use.
20. Start doing yoga
      Because yoga fascinates me.
21. Learn makeup techniques
     Because makeup is an art form that I wish to master.
22. Go on a road trip
     Because driving, good playlists, crappy food, and friends... what could be better?
23.Do a photo shoot
     Because photo shoots are fun and remind yourself how beautiful you are.
24. Take steps towards my nonprofit, Re
     Because dreams take practical steps for them to become true.
25. Read the whole Bible
    Because I have read so much of it but there is still so much to learn.

So why do I want to do any of this? Why now?  Because it's about time. There is so much living to be done. So much that for one reason or another, I have either ignored or put to the side for "later". But before I know it, later has come and gone. I have this one chance to be exactly where I am. With no significant other to think about. With no kids to take care of first. I have this time to do amazing things and it's about time that I take that opportunity.  I want to do and learn so much in this time like  learning:
-To be happy
-To be adventurous
-To be courageous
-To be holy
-To be loving
-To expand horizons
-To be focused
-To follow through
-To be independent
-To be strong
-To be healthy
-To love the heck out of this life
-To be satisfied
-To reach out
-To look within
-To simplify
-To be vibrant

To live this one life, to love it and make it fun. There is so much living to be done in the days to come.

Ain't It Fun, A Debut

Welcome, to a new blog. A different blog for a different time. Don't worry, I'll still write on my other one but a different feel, different time, different story to tell, has called for a different blog. So, introducing... Ain't It Fun.

Now to the story of the birth of this new blog:

I graduated college. By the skin of my teeth and with a lot of struggles, but I did it. YAY ME!

And then post-college life started.....

No one really tells you this because they're all so focused on the getting you graduated part, but the transition to post-college life is hard. You may not be getting married the week after graduation. You may not get the greatest entry level job before you even order your cap and gown. You may not be able to afford your own apartment on a part-time retail job.

Here's the truth:

IT. FREAKING. SUCKS.

Now, maybe it also sucks for the newlyweds who both got their start off dream jobs and the perfect cute apartment before graduation even happened....

but that's not where I am, so I can't speak for them, but I can speak for myself.

A lot of things happened in college, specifically my last year of college. A lot of hurts, a lot of mistakes, and a lot of things that I wish that I could change. But so is life, and I'm here in the aftermath of all of that. I'm not kidding when I say that I think that for two months, I cried until 4 am every night.

I was broken, and lonely, and grieving, and stuck, and so many things.

I did a lot to try to fix that, and none of it worked.

I binged Grey's Anatomy (also fed into the crying til 4am thing), cried until 4 am, I drank, I got a Tinder and an OKCupid and a Plenty of Fish, I applied to jobs out of the whazoo, I worked, I slept, I ate, and I cried randomly at 2pm. (I've done a lot of crying).

One night, I was hanging out with friends and I had a bit too much to drink... and by a bit, I mean way too much. I don't even know how it got there. One moment it was all fun and laughter and lots of pizza and the next moment it was sobbing and shaking and one of my friends making an attempt to calm me down.

And it wasn't about anything petty or small. I was sobbing about important things, things that I thought I had previously dealt with, but apparently I was wrong.

I spent the next morning in a fog,  Partially because, well, I was hungover. And partially because I didn't know where to go from there. I thought I was done with those issues. I thought I was moving on. I thought I was better, but clearly not.

So, I decided that some things had to change from where they were. I knew my attitude had to change. I knew some actions had to change. I knew circumstances had to change.  I mustered up the courage to change the things I could. I spent some time the day after the emotional fog thinking about the course of action I could take.

The main thing I did:  Made a giant monologue about the way I wanted to live my life. It was filled with gusto and passion and plans for the future.

Other things I did:
1. Listened to Ain't It Fun by Paramore over and over again because it accurately represented the way I had been feeling about the post-college life. (Thanks, Anna Gonzalez for reminding me about such a great song.) (Also, in case you couldn't guess, that song inspired the title of this blog)

2. Broke up with my Tinder guy. I had been talking to this guy on Tinder for two months. He was sweet and kind, and dare I say, perfect. But, I couldn't distinguish if my feelings for him were out of loneliness or because I actually liked him as a person. I knew that wasn't fair to him. I also knew that if things were going to actually change in my near future, I couldn't do so while attempting to figure out a relationship (whatever that relationship was going to look like) with someone new. It was with a lot of regret that I broke things off with him, but he graciously replied that he thought I was making a wise decision, that he wished me all the best, and that he wanted to hear where I ended up. His reply was so perfect that for two seconds afterward, I thought, "NEVERMIND, COME BACK. JUST KIDDING, I'M OK". But I knew it was something that I had to do, no matter how much it sucked.

3. Made a list of all the things that I wanted to do and who I wanted to become (which will be featured in another blog post).

4. Watched "How to Be Single" more than four times within a period of two days. Seriously, I love the journey of those characters and where I am in life made it extremely relatable. (I'm actually watching it right now as I edit posts).

5. Decided that I was no longer going to be someone who waited for life to happen to them but decided that I was going to take charge of the life I wanted to live, regardless of the actions of others.

And so comes about Ain't It Fun, a blog that will talk about the adventures that I will go about in this new phase of life and about this new person I'm trying to become. A blog about trying to make the most out of a transitional and unsettling phase of life. A blog about the parts of this life that aren't fun in the slightest but I'm trying to make it fun and about the moments that are genuinely fun. A blog about the path of life that I'm trying to travel to reach who I desire to be. So, welcome to a new adventure, I hope it's fun.